What are the first steps to separation?

In Short

• separation is a difficult time and when there are children involved, how the separation is managed can deliver immediate results.

• understanding grief and loss of the relationship and how separation impacts the “leavers” and the “left” differently

• the importance of developing a new co-parenting relationship to move forward. 

• people who engage with the process stay in control of their experience.

Separation and children

When a relationship breaks down and there are children involved, it is a very difficult time for everyone. Where there is domestic violence, the initial separation and the period immediately following can be very dangerous and people should seek specialised support to help navigate their separation.

Following a separation there are many questions that need to be answered and often emotions are high and people don’t find it easy to agree on some of the most important questions such as who will the children live with and when will they spend time with the other parent. 

People often are concerned about telling family and friends and it is very important to manage these relationships for the sake of the children.

Separation can impact on friends as they may feel forced to “choose” who they support. How people manage this challenge can impact on the support they are able to receive from their friends as they progress through this period in their lives. 

Care around the language to your family and friends around the circumstances of the separation can help children manage and deal with the separation by helping them stay out of the conflict.

Seeking help early in the separation process to manage the conflict if people can’t agree, can help people stay in control. They can be supported to come together and make good interim decisions that are focused on meeting the needs of the children right now, while enduring one of the toughest emotional times that people experience.

The “leaver” and the “left”

When I ask clients how the separation occurred many people tell me something along the lines of…., “I just came home one day and they were gone and they had taken the children” or “I couldn’t stand it anymore, I had to get out”.

An important component of preparing for mediation is to understand how the relationship ended and identifying who was the “leaver”  and who was “left” and how long ago this occurred. This is important because it helps me to understand where clients may be in the grief cycle. 

People who leave tend to start the grief process earlier. They start to grieve the loss of the relationship, often even before they make a physical move to change their environment. The person who is left will then go through the stages of the grief process later compared to the leaver. Understanding this dynamic is important as it can help me understand why some people seem able to leave their disappointment/grief behind and can move forward and others may not be at that same point yet.    

The intake session allows me to understand the readiness of each client, so I can understand whether they are ready yet to move from blame, anger and so forth to move forward to constructing a “new relationship”.

Parents not partners

It may seem obvious that following separation the relationship will change, but people who are able to focus on the needs of the children, are more easily able to understand and construct a new relationship that meets those needs.

Often this looks and feels more like a business arrangement made in the best interests of your child.

This helps people reconsider how they communicate. If it was a business relationship you wouldn’t expect to text at all hours of the day and night. You would expect to communicate in a more formal way, being aware of the impost on the other person of numerous texts at all hours of the day and night.

If it was a business relationship, you would foster flexibility because at some stage you might expect to need arrangements to be flexible to meet your needs if something comes up. Parents who are able to understand the importance of flexibility going both ways are able to build a stronger co-parenting relationship that will flex with them as their circumstances change.

The business relationship concept also helps to understand another area that comes up, personal boundaries. What may have been OK before ,might now feel uncomfortable. Constructing a strong co-parenting relationship will help parents to negotiate other changes that may be necessary such as when someone becomes involved with a new partner. 

The impact on the children 

How parents communicate with each other affects the children. Whether changeovers are frosty, or children witness their parents arguing or worse, they see and overhear violence and witness its effects, it all has an impact on the children. 

Domestic violence includes physical, sexual, emotional, psychological abuse but also includes financial deprivation and social and cultural isolation.  

A range of studies have found that exposure to domestic and family violence can affect a child’s mental wellbeing and contribute to poorer educational outcomes and a range of behavioural issues. These may include impaired cognitive functioning, behavioural problems, poorer academic outcomes, learning difficulties, depression and poor mental wellbeing, low self-esteem and bullying (both as victim and perpetrator).

What can you do to minimise the effect on the children?

The number one consideration needs to be, what is in the best interests of the children?

In mediation when I ask people what brought them to mediation, they often say something like…”I want the children to live with me”. 

Parents who can focus on meeting the needs of their children, before meeting their own needs, are more easily able to focus on coming together to identify solutions that will meet the needs of the children but also can be accepted or “lived with” by the parents.

It may not be easy to have these conversations and you may find you need the assistance of someone to help these conversations move forward and remain focused on the children’s needs, especially if people are at different points in their grief cycle.

Mediation

As a mediator, I facilitate a conversation between two or more people who have an ongoing relationship (like parents) which means that they can’t just stop communicating with someone when they don’t agree.

I focus on providing a safe environment and helping the people communicate and remain focused on the future. I help them develop a new relationship, set the rules and expectations for communication etc and help people move forward as co-parents.

Depending on the dynamics of the relationship, it may be more productive to conduct the conversations via “shuttle” whereby the mediator talks with each person separately and moves between the rooms to progress the conversation, when it is not productive (or safe) to be in the same room. 

Mediation can also be conducted virtually via Zoom where it is either not practical for people to be in the same room or also when people do not feel safe to be in the same room.

Mediation with me

The unanswered questions may be uncomfortable, as may be the insecurity that results from people undergoing separation, but the mediation process does not have to be. 

I meet with my clients first and I tailor an environment specifically to meet their needs, called an Intake Session.  I then assess whether mediation is suitable and put in place any necessary safety measures. The Intake also allows me to help people make the most of their mediation experience by ensuring they are well prepared for the mediation.

Typically we run from difficult and uncomfortable emotions in day to day life, but with the right skills people can learn how to handle conflict better. I focus my practice on providing services to bring people together when conversations are difficult. Clients can expect that I will be a strong facilitator, manage the conversation so everyone feels safe, but yet be kind and compassionate.

Typically, one-third of people who separate reach agreement on their own. Two-thirds need some support from lawyers and/or mediators to negotiate an agreement. One-third need a court to make a decision so they can move forward, a decision that they have no choice but to accept. 

What are your children seeing and hearing? How are your changeovers, friendly and warm, or frosty and cold? How does it make your children feel when they go to changeovers, safe and secure or like they are on rocky and shaky ground?  

If you need a hand to navigate through the conflict of separation and develop your co-parenting relationship, drop me a line or send me an email and we can catch up for a chat and I can talk to you about whether mediation is right for you.