Do you smile first?

I work with people in conflict and there are two common themes, trust and kindness.

Both dissolve quickly.

Often, people sit with me and ponder how trust and kindness between them dissolved so quickly.

Good news is that when people take the time to sit and share, be vulnerable and honest and to have the conversations that often feel very tough to have, conflict too can also dissolve.

Being the first person to smile or to say good morning is being kind, but it is also being vulnerable and brave when you know you are walking into a room unsure if your smile will be returned or your greeting acknowledged.

Be brave, smile first, you will be surprised at how quickly your smile can be the spark that ignites warmth in the room.

Kind people are the bravest people in the room.

Why are we triggered by conflict?

We can be cruising along, thinking all is well and then BAM! Something happens, someone says something to you or does something and it is like a bomb has gone off in your head and before you know it you have said something or done something you are later not proud of……and you can be left thinking, what just happened……

What does this really mean, let’s break it down……

“Conflict occurs when we perceive that one or more of our values, needs and or aspects of our identity are being challenged, threatened or undermined by another person” Cinnie Noble, Conflict Management Coaching, the CINERGY TM Model.

Values are at our core

Values are our core beliefs and the principles that guide our life. They act as our guidebook for how we should act and what we should say in response to the world around us. Values represent our rule book for right and wrong and include choices that we make along our life like our relationships and our work choices. Our values also influence other things like what we choose to wear and how we choose to behave.

When trying to understand conflict, one key is to understand the values that we perceive to be undermined when we were provoked by something that someone said or did. 

Sometimes it is not the values that we think that we are responding to. Often when people discover that someone has been cheating on them it is easy to go down the path to identifying that certain values have been undermined by these actions but it is getting to the bottom and understanding all the key values involved which is the key to being able to understand our responses to the conflict.

When are we triggered?

One of the most basic core values is honesty. In a mediation when people identify that there has been dishonesty, cheating or lying, or other actions that break trust, until the breach of trust has been fully acknowledged and efforts made to rebuild the trust, this issue will keep popping up and any efforts to move forward tend to fail. 

Where there is an ongoing relationship like a workplace, co-parenting or family relationship, until dishonesty can be acknowledged, the hurt identified and efforts made to rebuild trust, any efforts to resolve, often fail.

This is where mediation becomes a helpful tool to help people move through the work, both individually and together that needs to be done.

Unpacking the conflict

Unpacking the values, needs or identity that has been challenged, threatened or undermined is usually the most difficult part of the process. During this part of the process, particularly in mediation, people might say “we just aren’t getting anywhere”. This might be felt even more when the mediation is being conducted by shuttle (people are in different rooms) and they don’t have the benefit of being able to read the room or understand the importance of rebuilding trust to be able to move forward to resolution which starts by rebuilding a new relationship.

Threat to one of our needs

The pandemic brought to light the importance of some of our most basic human needs that maybe we didn’t fully appreciate until our environment changed to adapt to new “normals” to cope with the pandemic. The pandemic showcased the importance of certainty as a psychological need. The need for social interaction and the importance of co-workers being able to connect with one another and their leaders was also highlighted by the events of the pandemic. 

Maslow’s work on human beings' hierarchy of physiological and psychological needs helps us to understand the interpersonal conflict that can result from unmet needs.

Some of these needs might be more obvious, the need for food, water and shelter but we as humans have very complex needs and often people are not even conscious that conflict has resulted from one of their unmet needs.

When we are facing conflict it pays to stop and reflect to try to determine the obvious threat to people’s needs but also the less obvious threat from our actions and how this could have contributed to the conflict.

An example being what may seem like a simple performance review may challenge someone’s need for safety and security. They may see the interaction as a threat to security of employment and hence financial security. Understanding needs helps people prepare for conversations that may be challenging and also provide insight for people as to how to plan these conversations to ensure that unnecessary conflict is avoided and people's needs are met.

Identity and Conflict

Understanding our identity and how different aspects of our identity can lead to conflict is one area of conflict that is often overlooked.

We might easily articulate various aspects of our identity, or how we perceive ourselves and want to be perceived by others in the world. Some aspects of our identity include our gender, age, physical traits, employment status, place of residence and relationship status.

Like all things conflict related, identity can be complex. Both how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive our identity and sometimes identity can be hard to articulate and can lead to conflict.  

What might this look like in our workplace?

Questioning a work colleague in front of others - might be perceived as a threat to their identity.

Questioning someone’s reliability in a performance review - might be a threat to their need for security.

Casualisation of your workforce resulting from a range of factors - might be perceived as a threat to someone's need for security.

Conflict Habits

Unsurprisingly, we learn our conflict skills by watching those around us growing up. Our own history with conflict also impacts on our response to conflict, often contributing to people avoiding conflict in order to bypass the emotional impact that conflict has had on us in the past. 

The CINERGY TM Model of conflict helps clients to re-script their conflict habits and is based on the premise that we all have the capacity to change our habits and with intention and practice, can choose and implement different approaches, behaviours and responses.

Next week: Conflict brings uncertainty. People like certainty. Unaddressed conflict can bring psychological harm to people. Employers have a responsibility to address conflict and ensure interpersonal relationships are healthy and appropriate for the roles.

I am trained as a CINGERGYTM Conflict Coach and I help people to understand and resolve conflict through Conflict Coaching both individually and in group settings. I offer mediation services and I can help you facilitate a discussion in your family, workplace, school or anywhere you need some assistance to change the impact of conflict to a positive one. 

Why lean into conflict?

I think there is a lot in common between standing at the top of a ski run and standing in the doorway about to enter the room when you know the conversation could be a bit rocky to navigate. When you are snow skiing, you need the right equipment, the right skills and importantly, you need to learn forward and engage.

In conflict, it is quite similar, those who are not prepared and particularly don’t have the skills they need to manage conflict or negotiate the conversations that need to be addressed tend to lean back, and avoid engaging. When you are skiing, if you get your weight back you become a passenger as you head down the mountain, hitting the bumps and being knocked off course, travelling down the mountain as more of a passenger, hoping for the best. If you lean forward and you have the right skills you are able to traverse the mountain in control and manage your descent.  

So how do you prepare for that conversation that you know you need to have? Let’s start at the start…..

What is conflict?  

We all know what conflict feels like but unpacking some of the elements of conflict can help us to understand conflict. Cinnie Noble in her book Conflict Management Coaching identifies the following as elements of conflict:

• At least one person perceives that there is something amiss with the other person or persons.

• At least one person experiences negative emotions that prevail indefinitely about a specific interaction with another person or persons.

• Incompatibility exists about how one person views another’s perspectives, actions, words or ways of communicating.

Who might respond to conflict?

Humans are fundamentally social and conflict represents a relational crisis that destabilises people, and people act and interact in ways that produce unproductive and destructive dynamics. When we dive in and learn more about why we respond in this way, we can learn skills to be better prepared for conflict. 

Why take this approach?

The work of Robert Bush and Joseph Folger and the principles that surround social constructionism and transformative mediation identify that a mediation can generate two important effects, empowerment and recognition and the CINGERGYTM  method builds on the above principles.

How does it work?

The transformational process identifies the importance of empowering the individual with the strength to understand that they have capacity to handle life's problems. 

I integrate these principles into the work I do with people both in mediations and also with my conflict coaching work. People are often mistaken when they are embroiled in conflict and think that they don’t want to see the other person empowered as this somehow weakens their position. 

The reality is both people involved in conflict need to be empowered so they can make decisions and move through the conflict and reach resolution. The reality is that if one person is not empowered and not at a position where they can make decisions, maybe they don’t have access to money and can’t get legal advice, this actually slows the process of resolution for both people, which usually means it will cost more time and money than it would if both people were empowered.

The transformational process of mediation also identifies the importance of recognition, or the identification by the individual of acknowledgement and empathy for the situation and the problems of others. If people can understand the impact of conflict from the shoes of the other person, they have the capacity to change the quality of the interactions and regenerate the relationships and communication in constructive ways. More on this in the next couple of weeks.

When is the best time to address conflict?

Conflict should be occurring all the time if we have a healthy environment in which we work and play. Conflict has the potential to bring change and growth and if the pandemic has taught us anything it is that we all love certainty but we all need to get better at coping with change because change is inevitable. 

So often people see conflict as arguments or large scale disagreements and while this is true, there is so much conflict that is more of the quieter, lurking in the dark corners kind of disquiet, but equally destructive.  Conflict that is left unaddressed is destructive to both the people involved and the organisation when occurring in a workplace setting.

Learning the skills to confidently understand the response in yourself and others when conflict shows up will help people change the quality of their interactions with each other as people learn to engage in conflict without sacrificing relationships in the process. 

Conflict coaching can be helpful to build the skills of all people who work with people, yes, that is most of us.

I so often hear “oh they need conflict coaching” but in reality, the skills of learning how to do all of the above and being able to incorporate it into a 5 minute interaction is a skill that we all need. We can be quietly changing the landscape of our work environments and our interactions with our families, our children’s schools and dealing with issues that might arise in our sporting clubs, without the need to wait until conflict has escalated to the point that relationships have been damaged and need CPR to repair the relationships.

Learning how to incorporate conflict skills and reflection into each week and coach those that work in our teams how to be more comfortable in conflict, the more empowered we all are to perform in our roles. If we can all learn to lean into conflict and make the most of conflict to create positive change, when it arises and importantly, how to do this constructively. 

Next week: The first step in understanding conflict is to understand what the trigger is so that you can understand more about why you may respond to conflict in the way you do.

I am trained as a CINGERGYTM Conflict Coach and I help people to understand and resolve conflict through Conflict Coaching both individually and in group settings. I offer mediation services and I can help you facilitate a discussion in your family, workplace, school or anywhere you need some assistance to change the impact of conflict to a positive one. 

12 things that people do who sort it out: they recognise the road to agreement is as fast as the slowest person

People often wonder why agreement is often reached at mediation when it hasn’t been possible previously.

Mediation can help people step back from the problem and gain some perspective. They start to see that the problem isn’t going to be resolved until both people have a result that they can live with.

When people aren’t seeing eye to eye, it can be tempting to try to undermine the other person, or to see them trip and fall.

The problem is when people take this approach they haven’t considered that resolution will only be reached when both people reach an agreement they can live with and these actions are only undermining their own journey to resolution.

The people who focus on the future and consider what they say and do things and the effect of this on the other person are the ones who sort it out. They focus on the future and consider how both people can move forward happy and healthy. These are the people who are able to work together to make sure potholes are avoided and they do the best to get over the line sooner, together, so they can both move on.

12 things that people do who sort it out: they let children be children

They set up both houses with all of the things that the children need, two sets of school uniforms, two sets of casual clothes, shoes, sporting equipment, underwear and toothbrushes etc. Yes, it may be expensive to invest in doubles but the peace of mind and evaporation of stress that results from this simple act is priceless, for both the children and the parents.

They find a way to communicate that does not involve the children. They never use the children to pass on messages or question them for details about the other parent’s life.

They encourage their children to speak with the other parent and actively foster the relationship. Children are often underestimated by their parents and are very aware of what is unfolding around them. Children try to keep their parents happy and often feel that they are caught in the middle. Parents who actively support their children to have a strong relationship with the other parent are the ones that are able to sort it out.

They find a way to actively engage in their children’s lives, they consider the children’s schedule and then find ways to tweak their work schedule and personal life so that time spent with the children is not a negotiation but rather develops more organically around the children’s schedule.

The families who focus on the children and then work back to the parent’s work commitments are the ones that are able to find creative ways to co-parent. Maybe it's one parent leaving work early on the sports training afternoon, grabbing dinner together and then taking the child back to the other parent with the focus being on what works for the child.

Importantly, the parents who sort it out are those that do the emotional healing work they need to do so that they can see the other parent in public and greet them with a smile and a hello, letting the children get back to the business of having fun and feeling joy.

12 things that people do who sort it out: family and friends don’t take sides

People who sort it out are those that encourage their friends and family to support each person equally after a separation.

This is especially relevant when there are children involved because it means that they can get on with the business of learning to live in two houses without having to feel that they must choose between their parents.

The same applies for family and friends. One way not to feel that they have to choose is to support both people.

When people separate it can be a difficult time but being their for people and supporting them to be focused on being the best mum or dad they can be is the best gift you can give someone, especially your grandchildren.

The people who sort it out are those that bite their tongue and don’t engage in the conflict. They encourage their loved one or friend to make sure the children do not become pawns. They help both parents as they negotiate new living arrangements and pick up the slack when old plans don’t work across the two new homes.

They lift up both parents and support them as they find their feet so they can go on to be great co-parents.

12 things that people do who sort it out: 6 they choose their lawyer wisely.

Many people ask me as the mediator for advice on their lawyer. I tell people to look for someone who:

1. Listens more than they talk;

2. Wants to know what is important to you; and

3. Tells you want you need to know, not just what you want to hear.

It might not be plesant sometimes hearing from your lawyer advice that does not work in your favour. Although, the alternative is spending far too long in court and too much money to then be told by a Judge.

The number one key is making sure the lawyer is focused on what is important to you.

12 things that people do who sort it out: focus on the future

People who sort it out are able to focus on the future, rather than being stuck in the past.

From the work I do, I see that the people who are less successful in sorting it out are often stuck on the events of the past. They often blame the other person for many of the problems that they now face.

They are often reluctant to change and are often the person who is sitting in a position where they are happy with the status quo and don’t wish for that to change as they feel that a change will be a loss to themselves.

Often mediation, particularly where a family is involved, involves one parent wishing to spend more time with a child. It may seem that both parents can’t get what they want in this situation when people view the problem from the viewpoint that if one parent spends more time with the child, it will be at the cost of the other parent.

Many mediations start from a position that agreement does not seem likely. History shows that they have already tried to sort it out themselves and they haven't been able to reach agreement. My clients are mostly legally assisted which means I conduct the mediation with the client and their lawyer. This means often that the lawyers have already tried to help people to come together and resolve the problem, which clearly hasn’t been successful, hence they are now at mediation.

What I observe is that the people who sort it out are the people who are at a point where they are able to reflect on their involvement in the past but importantly they have done the work on themselves to be able to move from the past to looking forward to what their future may hold through a positive lens.

They present in mediation as the people who are easily able to focus on the future and tell me what their future looks like with their child. They are focused on what they can control and work hard with me when I work with them to help them develop their best alternative to a negotiated agreement.

The people who struggle to focus on moving forward are the ones that are stuck in their concerns. They have a list of concerns that far out weights their focus on the future. Their concerns are based on events of the past and they are unable or unwilling to consider a different looking future.

I feel that the most important part of the mediation process is preparing people for mediation.

I work hard with my clients to understand whether they are looking back or looking forward and I them help them prepare for mediation.

Clients need to be realistic about the outcomes of mediation but importantly able to see mediation as an important part of this process, both for themselves, and the other person, in being able to move from looking back and blaming, to changing their focus to being forward, future focused.

It can be very difficult when mediating and one person is ready and willing to move forward and the other is stuck looking back. The difficulty compounds when the person looking back is also the one who is happy with the status quo and doesn’t want things to change.

I am lucky I get to sit in a space where I get to work with people who are trying to move forward and focus on the future. Often much of what I do as a mediator is not obvious as I move behind the scenes and I try to help people move from looking back to looking forward. 

This is especially difficult when mediation is conducted by shuttle (the mediator moves between the rooms and the clients are not face to face) because the people are protected from direct contact with each other and this also means that they don’t have the chance to “read the room” like they would if they were face to face.

I am privileged that I get to help my clients through this process and I love when I am able to help people orientate on the future and help them build and be empowered by understanding that even if agreement can not be reached, they have been able to spend the time building their best alternative to a negotiated agreement. 

This means that they can focus on what they can change moving forward and what they can control.

They get in control and are able to move forward regardless of whether the other person is looking back or looking forward.

12 things that people do who sort it out: 4.

This sounds really easy but is hard to do when you are not on the same page as someone.

The people who I see that work it out are the ones that learn how to notice their emotions and learn to pause and reflect on why they are feeling what they are feeling.

Often we react or respond to the emotions of another.

If we stop and notice our own reactions and get curious as to why we are feeling the emotions we are feeling, it can really help us understand the best path forward.

I am very lucky to get the opportunity to help people get behind the topic and explore what is actually happening for them in the moment. I am constantly amazed at how mediation can change the focus for people.

I find the people who are willing to remain positive even when they are not feeling it, are the ones that are able to sort it out.

A mediation can be slowly building momentum and it is the person that is able to hear a negative comment and let it go as they stay focused on the bigger picture who are the ones who are able to sort it out. Often when this happens and the person stays positive, even though they are feeling the hit of the negative comment, the other person then can often realise the impact of the negative comment and has the opportunity to correct and change their path.

I am also a realist and not everyone is going to be able to be in the space to reflect on their input and change the way they engage in communication.

We can’t change the way others approach conflict, we can only control our own. Part of the important preparation work that I do with my clients is to work with them to build their best alternative to a negotiated agreement which means either way they have a number of options and a way to move forward and they feel more positive and in control, rather than reacting.

12 things that people do who sort it out: 3

The people who sort it out firstly don’t blame others.

They hold their tounge and they give people the benefit of the doubt.

They don’t spend time making assumptions around why people did things or why people said things that they may not agree with.

They even get a bit honest with themselves and realise that they may not have don’t everything perfectly either and with hindsight might have realised there were things that they could have handled better.

In mediations at times, when the timing is right and the people have done the work they need to do in the mediation, someone admitting a mistake and apologising can change the direction of the conversation. The mood is quiet and someone admits to something and apologises for their part. I am forever astounded as to how it seems like some magic has been sprinkled in the room and very quickly the mood lightens, the tension dissolves, peoples shoulders drop and they can now take a deep breath again.

It is often followed by the other person admitting something that they could have done better or handled better.

It is usually deep into the mediation, often in mediations where people have not communicated directly with each other for many years.

It is always powerful.

12 things that people do who sort it out: 2

People that put down their swords and their shields are no longer attacking or defending which is common when disagreement breaks out.

Most people don’t realise they are creating much bigger problems when they react to situations or retaliate when they feel the other has reacted unreasonably.

The problem gets much more serious when children are involved as they pick up the tab when people are using their swords and shields in front of them.

Additionally, little people are very perceptive and when they have to tip toe around because they find themselves in the middle of someone serving up some silent treatment, the children are the ones that pick up the tab.

The people who can resist responding to the the name calling and ignore the passive aggressive behaviour that people do, are the people who are able to move along with their life and create a new future sooner.

12 things that people do who sort it out: 1.

1. they assume that the other person is doing their best right now.

Do your Parenting Arrangements Still Fit?

Parenting agreements or consent orders document agreement at a point in time.

Over time as children move through life stages, issues change.

If you have children moving from care to school this year, you may benefit from a hand to facilitate this conversation.

If you have children moving from primary school to high school, an agreement that was made when the children were younger will often not cover the issues that now need to be negotiated between parents.

Maybe you have changed home environments and it is time to have discussions and come to agreement on involvement of third parties like new partners in relation to issues such as supervising children and disciplining children.

How can you reach agreement?

Most people know someone who has been through the court process in order to reach agreement. This process can be slow and the Family Circuit and Family Court of Australia (“the Court”) recently reported that it takes in the vicinity of 3 years to get a decision from a Judge, longer in some locations.

New changes were introduced in September 2021 and the Court has set a target of resolving cases within twelve months. The Court reports that it hopes that this can be achieved but acknowledges that this turnaround cannot be met until the backlog of cases that were previously before the Court are resolved.

Mediation has now been incorporated into each stage of the court process, where appropriate.

Are lawyers involved?

I help parents understand the different ways mediation can be conducted and how specialised advice can be directly or indirectly incorporated into the process.

One option is often referred to as “legally assisted mediation” which is where both parents are represented in the mediation by a lawyer.

Another option is where people get advice either prior to the mediation or even come to an agreement with their solicitor that they will make themselves available so the client can seek advice from them during the mediation before they reach final agreement.

One main benefit of mediation is that it is confidential, with a few exceptions in relation to my role as a mandated reporter.

Confidentiality means that people can make admissions or agreements during the mediation that cannot later be used against them. Many people knowing they are protected by confidentiality feel confident to mediate on their own.

“Tune Up”

Is a tune up right for you?

I noticed that many people that have already been through the lengthy process of coming to agreement previously, are often reluctant to start the process again. Parents accept the current arrangements and are afraid to rock the boat, fearing the parenting relationship worsening.

A tune up or mini-mediation can help parents come together to discuss limited agreed issues.

The Mini-mediation process involves a discussion with both parents prior to the joint session. In this first session, the Intake, I learn about what you are seeking to discuss and assess suitability for mediation. This process takes one hour each.

If suitable the Mini-mediation is scheduled for two hours and I facilitate the conversation helping people stay focused on the issues.

The Tune Up will take place over Zoom which allows people more flexibility to fit the two hours time slot within their busy schedule.

Agreement

If agreement is reached, I can draft the agreement for you in the form of a parenting plan and facilitate the execution of the agreement within the time allocated.

Often people agree that they will draft an agreement but not sign the agreement on the day. Instead preferring to have time to fully consider the draft agreement and consider the impact of the changes on other areas of their life, before they commit to signing a final agreement. 

People may choose to agree to take the draft to their lawyers with the intention that Consent Orders are sought so they can formalise the agreement.

The choice is yours.

If you would like to know if the “Tune Up” meets your needs, you can call me to discuss or book a free session using the “Book Now” button and selecting “Enquiry: Is mediation right for me. Free chat” from the list which will allow you to book a time in my calendar that suits you.

What are the first steps to separation?

In Short

• separation is a difficult time and when there are children involved, how the separation is managed can deliver immediate results.

• understanding grief and loss of the relationship and how separation impacts the “leavers” and the “left” differently

• the importance of developing a new co-parenting relationship to move forward. 

• people who engage with the process stay in control of their experience.

Separation and children

When a relationship breaks down and there are children involved, it is a very difficult time for everyone. Where there is domestic violence, the initial separation and the period immediately following can be very dangerous and people should seek specialised support to help navigate their separation.

Following a separation there are many questions that need to be answered and often emotions are high and people don’t find it easy to agree on some of the most important questions such as who will the children live with and when will they spend time with the other parent. 

People often are concerned about telling family and friends and it is very important to manage these relationships for the sake of the children.

Separation can impact on friends as they may feel forced to “choose” who they support. How people manage this challenge can impact on the support they are able to receive from their friends as they progress through this period in their lives. 

Care around the language to your family and friends around the circumstances of the separation can help children manage and deal with the separation by helping them stay out of the conflict.

Seeking help early in the separation process to manage the conflict if people can’t agree, can help people stay in control. They can be supported to come together and make good interim decisions that are focused on meeting the needs of the children right now, while enduring one of the toughest emotional times that people experience.

The “leaver” and the “left”

When I ask clients how the separation occurred many people tell me something along the lines of…., “I just came home one day and they were gone and they had taken the children” or “I couldn’t stand it anymore, I had to get out”.

An important component of preparing for mediation is to understand how the relationship ended and identifying who was the “leaver”  and who was “left” and how long ago this occurred. This is important because it helps me to understand where clients may be in the grief cycle. 

People who leave tend to start the grief process earlier. They start to grieve the loss of the relationship, often even before they make a physical move to change their environment. The person who is left will then go through the stages of the grief process later compared to the leaver. Understanding this dynamic is important as it can help me understand why some people seem able to leave their disappointment/grief behind and can move forward and others may not be at that same point yet.    

The intake session allows me to understand the readiness of each client, so I can understand whether they are ready yet to move from blame, anger and so forth to move forward to constructing a “new relationship”.

Parents not partners

It may seem obvious that following separation the relationship will change, but people who are able to focus on the needs of the children, are more easily able to understand and construct a new relationship that meets those needs.

Often this looks and feels more like a business arrangement made in the best interests of your child.

This helps people reconsider how they communicate. If it was a business relationship you wouldn’t expect to text at all hours of the day and night. You would expect to communicate in a more formal way, being aware of the impost on the other person of numerous texts at all hours of the day and night.

If it was a business relationship, you would foster flexibility because at some stage you might expect to need arrangements to be flexible to meet your needs if something comes up. Parents who are able to understand the importance of flexibility going both ways are able to build a stronger co-parenting relationship that will flex with them as their circumstances change.

The business relationship concept also helps to understand another area that comes up, personal boundaries. What may have been OK before ,might now feel uncomfortable. Constructing a strong co-parenting relationship will help parents to negotiate other changes that may be necessary such as when someone becomes involved with a new partner. 

The impact on the children 

How parents communicate with each other affects the children. Whether changeovers are frosty, or children witness their parents arguing or worse, they see and overhear violence and witness its effects, it all has an impact on the children. 

Domestic violence includes physical, sexual, emotional, psychological abuse but also includes financial deprivation and social and cultural isolation.  

A range of studies have found that exposure to domestic and family violence can affect a child’s mental wellbeing and contribute to poorer educational outcomes and a range of behavioural issues. These may include impaired cognitive functioning, behavioural problems, poorer academic outcomes, learning difficulties, depression and poor mental wellbeing, low self-esteem and bullying (both as victim and perpetrator).

What can you do to minimise the effect on the children?

The number one consideration needs to be, what is in the best interests of the children?

In mediation when I ask people what brought them to mediation, they often say something like…”I want the children to live with me”. 

Parents who can focus on meeting the needs of their children, before meeting their own needs, are more easily able to focus on coming together to identify solutions that will meet the needs of the children but also can be accepted or “lived with” by the parents.

It may not be easy to have these conversations and you may find you need the assistance of someone to help these conversations move forward and remain focused on the children’s needs, especially if people are at different points in their grief cycle.

Mediation

As a mediator, I facilitate a conversation between two or more people who have an ongoing relationship (like parents) which means that they can’t just stop communicating with someone when they don’t agree.

I focus on providing a safe environment and helping the people communicate and remain focused on the future. I help them develop a new relationship, set the rules and expectations for communication etc and help people move forward as co-parents.

Depending on the dynamics of the relationship, it may be more productive to conduct the conversations via “shuttle” whereby the mediator talks with each person separately and moves between the rooms to progress the conversation, when it is not productive (or safe) to be in the same room. 

Mediation can also be conducted virtually via Zoom where it is either not practical for people to be in the same room or also when people do not feel safe to be in the same room.

Mediation with me

The unanswered questions may be uncomfortable, as may be the insecurity that results from people undergoing separation, but the mediation process does not have to be. 

I meet with my clients first and I tailor an environment specifically to meet their needs, called an Intake Session.  I then assess whether mediation is suitable and put in place any necessary safety measures. The Intake also allows me to help people make the most of their mediation experience by ensuring they are well prepared for the mediation.

Typically we run from difficult and uncomfortable emotions in day to day life, but with the right skills people can learn how to handle conflict better. I focus my practice on providing services to bring people together when conversations are difficult. Clients can expect that I will be a strong facilitator, manage the conversation so everyone feels safe, but yet be kind and compassionate.

Typically, one-third of people who separate reach agreement on their own. Two-thirds need some support from lawyers and/or mediators to negotiate an agreement. One-third need a court to make a decision so they can move forward, a decision that they have no choice but to accept. 

What are your children seeing and hearing? How are your changeovers, friendly and warm, or frosty and cold? How does it make your children feel when they go to changeovers, safe and secure or like they are on rocky and shaky ground?  

If you need a hand to navigate through the conflict of separation and develop your co-parenting relationship, drop me a line or send me an email and we can catch up for a chat and I can talk to you about whether mediation is right for you.

Early Use of a Threat Debilitates Your Negotiating Power

Understanding Negotiating Power in an Evolving Covid World

Covid has thrust all of us into unchartered territory at work and in business. People are fatigued, yet there continues to be many new challenges arise. Spending a moment to reflect on negotiating power could help turn a difficult conversation into an opportunity.

Organisations requiring their staff to be vaccinated could be perceived as a threat by some employees. Refusing entry to unvaccinated clients could also be perceived as a threat by customers. Roger Fisher discussed the debilitating effects of negative commitments, especially threats made at an early stage of negotiation in his article, “Negotiating Power, Getting and Using Influence”. So how do you prepare for these difficult conversations?

“its all very well, it is said, to tell people how they might jointly produce wise outcomes efficiently and amicably, but in the real world people don’t behave that way; results are determined by power – by who is holding the cards, by who has more clout.”

WHO IS HOLDING THE POWER RIGHT NOW? WILL THAT CHANGE OVER TIME?

Fisher discussed the use of a credible threat as one element of power that can be used. Fisher explored the debilitating effect of making threats at an early stage. He discussed five other elements of power and the importance the sequence the elements of power should be used to maximise their cumulative impact. Fisher defined “negotiation” as including all cases in which two or more parties are communicating, each for the purpose of influencing the other’s decision.

The next important step is to identify “negotiating power”, Fisher discusses negotiating power to exist if I have the ability to affect favourably someone else’s decision, but he also acknowledges that my power depends on someone else’s perception of my strength, so it is what they think that matters, not what I actually have. Negotiating power is all a matter of perception.

MISTAKEN VIEWS OF NEGOTIATING POWER

(1) Physical Force = Negotiating Power

Fisher explains that making threats is a particularly expensive and dangerous way of trying to exert influence. The pain that we threaten to inflict if the other side does not decide as we like is simply one factor among many. Fisher explained that negotiating power could be enhanced by the combined potential of all negotiating powers, force being one. Do you understand the other elements of power and how you can use them in your circumstance to influence others, rather than just threaten?

(2) “Start tough, you can always get softer later”

Should you start off flexing your muscle, with a hard line? Fisher discussed that even though this might work with positional bargaining, like the higher a price one demands or the lower a price one offers, the more favourable an agreed result is likely to be. This is very different when it comes to threats, he explains the more firmly one is committed at an early stage to carrying out a threat, the more damaging that threat is to one’s negotiating power.

So, how can you enhance your negotiating power with this in mind?

Fisher developed a checklist for negotiators:

1. The power of skills and knowledge;

2. The power of a good relationship;

3. The power of a good alternative to negotiating;

4. The power of an elegant solution;

5. The power of legitimacy; and

6. The power of commitment.

1. The power of skills and knowledge

Knowledge about the facts. It is impossible to appreciate the importance of unknown facts.

Fisher discussed the importance of being a skilled negotiator, the ability to listen, to become aware of the emotions and psychological concerns of others, to empathise, to be sensitive to the other’s feelings and one’s own, to communicate clearly and effectively.

Fisher discusses the importance of other skills such as analysis, logic, quantitative assessment and the organisation of ideas. The more skill a negotiator has, the more power they will have as a negotiator.

The importance of knowledge relevant to a particular negotiation is powerful. Knowledge of the people involved, understanding the issues at hand, their values, career hopes etc.

What are the interests in the negotiation, think about the other side, what are their personal concerns, their fears, their needs? How does that relate to the interests on your side?

Knowledge about the facts. It is impossible to appreciate the importance of unknown facts. The more that is known about the facts and the background of the problem, as well as how it sits within the legal, social and political implications, the more likely it is creative solutions can be developed according to Fisher.

2. The power of a good relationship

If you are going to persuade someone to change their mind, you first need to understand where their minds are

“The better the working relationship established with those with whom I will be negotiating, the more powerful I am”, according to Fisher. He goes on to explain that the two most critical elements of a working relationship are first, trust and second, the ability to communicate easily and effectively.

It is easy to focus on whether or not you can trust those on the other side, but Fisher says that your power depends on whether or not they can trust you. Fisher explains that your capacity to exert influence is significantly enhanced if you can establish a well-deserved reputation for candor, honesty, integrity and commitment to any promise you make.

If you are going to persuade someone to change their mind, you first need to understand where their minds are, otherwise according to Fisher, you are shooting in the dark. The longer people have known each other, and the more broadly and deeply each understand the point of view and context from which the other is operating, the more likely they can communicate easily and with a minimum of misunderstanding, says Fisher.

It is important to consider the importance of a good working relationship to the outcome that you are seeking prior to negotiating. You may be able to negotiate the terms of a deal, but what impact will that have where you have an ongoing relationship like in a workplace? If you negotiated hard on the price for a sale, but you ruined the relationship in the process, what does that mean when you ask for an extension of time to settle? How important is the relationship, now and later? How can you negotiate this issue and build the relationship?

3. The power of a good alternative to negotiation

How well can you do for yourself if you walk away?

How well can you do for yourself if you walk away? Fisher discusses the importance to develop and improve your “BATNA” – your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Before negotiating, you should consider the alternatives if you are not able to negotiate an agreement and to improve that option as much as possible.

In a workplace, for an employer this could be if my employees leave, how readily can they be replaced and at what cost to the organisation. Conversely, employees could investigate alternative employment options available to them.

4. The power of an elegant solution

Negotiators battle like litigants in court, advancing their own argument for a result that will take care of its interests but would do nothing for the other side.

The more complex the problem, the more influential an elegant answer. Negotiators battle like litigants in court, advancing their own argument for a result that will take care of its interests but would do nothing for the other side.

Brainstorming in preparation many options designed to meet as well as possible the legitimate interests of both sides. Brainstorming enhances your negotiating power by enhancing the chance that you will be able to devise a solution that amply satisfies your interests and also meets enough of their interests to be acceptable to them.

Power of a mediator is working with the parties to an ingenious solution that reconciles reasonably well the legitimate interests of both sides. Either negotiator has similar power to effect an agreement that takes care of his or her interests by generating an option that also takes care of some or most of the interests on the other side.

5. The power of legitimacy

To be persuasive, a good negotiator should speak like an advocate who is seeking to convince an able and honest arbitrator, and should listen like an arbitrator, always be open to being persuaded by reason.

Fisher believes that you can substantially enhance your negotiating power by searching for and developing various objective criteria and potential standards of legitimacy in the eyes of the other side, like a result ought to be accepted because it is fair; because the law requires it; because it is consistent with precedent, industry practice or sound policy considerations.

To be persuasive, a good negotiator should speak like an advocate who is seeking to convince an able and honest arbitrator, and should listen like an arbitrator, always be open to being persuaded by reason. Being open to persuasion is itself persuasive.

Fisher suggests researching precedents, expert opinion and other objective criteria, other theories of what ought to be done, so as to harness the power of legitimacy – a power to which each of us is vulnerable.

6. The power of commitment

the earlier you make a negative commitment – the earlier you announce a take-it-or-leave-it-offer – the less likely you are to have maximised the cumulative total of the various elements of your negotiating power

All previous kinds of power can be worked on prior to the formal negotiations. The planning of commitments and making arrangements for them can also be undertaken in advance, but making commitments takes place only during what everyone thinks of the negotiation itself.

a) Affirmative commitments

(i) An offer of what I am willing to agree to.

(ii) An offer of what, failing agreement, I am willing to do under certain conditions.

Fisher discusses that affirmative commitments are decisions about what someone is willing to do, it is an offer. These offers may have time limits, but while the offer is open it carries some persuasive power.

Fisher believes this is where it all comes together, the terms of the offer should be formulated based on the skills and knowledge that has been developed; it will take into account the nature of the relationship; will consider the walk-away alternatives each side has; the offer will constitute a reasonably elegant solution to the problem; and the offer will be legitimate.

It is only after all the power of the above has been found to be unsuccessful that Fisher suggests as a last resort that a negotiator has one other form of power, that of a negative commitment, or threat.

(b) Negative commitments

(i) a commitment that I am unwilling to make certain agreements,

(ii) a commitment or threat that, failing agreement, I will engage in certain negative conduct.

Importantly Fisher outlines that the earlier you make a negative commitment – the earlier you announce a take-it-or-leave-it-offer – the less likely you are to have maximised the cumulative total of the various elements of your negotiating power.

Fisher explains that premature negative commitments weaken rather than strengthen our negotiating power. Negative commitments at an early-stage shift attention from attractive alternatives to negative commitments that invite the other side to engage in a contest of wills by making commitments that are even more negative.

Before you make that pressing decision in your organisation or approach a supplier or client, jot down this checklist and spend some time considering these elements of power prior to the conversation and see how long you can keep the conversation in the positive commitment space before having to resort to negative commitments or threats.

For further reading I recommend Roger Fisher’s books, “Getting to Yes” and “Getting to Yes With Yourself”.

Article referenced, “Negotiating Power, Getting and Using Influence” was published in the American Behavioural Scientist, Roger Fisher, Harvard University.