12 things that people do who sort it out: focus on the future

People who sort it out are able to focus on the future, rather than being stuck in the past.

From the work I do, I see that the people who are less successful in sorting it out are often stuck on the events of the past. They often blame the other person for many of the problems that they now face.

They are often reluctant to change and are often the person who is sitting in a position where they are happy with the status quo and don’t wish for that to change as they feel that a change will be a loss to themselves.

Often mediation, particularly where a family is involved, involves one parent wishing to spend more time with a child. It may seem that both parents can’t get what they want in this situation when people view the problem from the viewpoint that if one parent spends more time with the child, it will be at the cost of the other parent.

Many mediations start from a position that agreement does not seem likely. History shows that they have already tried to sort it out themselves and they haven't been able to reach agreement. My clients are mostly legally assisted which means I conduct the mediation with the client and their lawyer. This means often that the lawyers have already tried to help people to come together and resolve the problem, which clearly hasn’t been successful, hence they are now at mediation.

What I observe is that the people who sort it out are the people who are at a point where they are able to reflect on their involvement in the past but importantly they have done the work on themselves to be able to move from the past to looking forward to what their future may hold through a positive lens.

They present in mediation as the people who are easily able to focus on the future and tell me what their future looks like with their child. They are focused on what they can control and work hard with me when I work with them to help them develop their best alternative to a negotiated agreement.

The people who struggle to focus on moving forward are the ones that are stuck in their concerns. They have a list of concerns that far out weights their focus on the future. Their concerns are based on events of the past and they are unable or unwilling to consider a different looking future.

I feel that the most important part of the mediation process is preparing people for mediation.

I work hard with my clients to understand whether they are looking back or looking forward and I them help them prepare for mediation.

Clients need to be realistic about the outcomes of mediation but importantly able to see mediation as an important part of this process, both for themselves, and the other person, in being able to move from looking back and blaming, to changing their focus to being forward, future focused.

It can be very difficult when mediating and one person is ready and willing to move forward and the other is stuck looking back. The difficulty compounds when the person looking back is also the one who is happy with the status quo and doesn’t want things to change.

I am lucky I get to sit in a space where I get to work with people who are trying to move forward and focus on the future. Often much of what I do as a mediator is not obvious as I move behind the scenes and I try to help people move from looking back to looking forward. 

This is especially difficult when mediation is conducted by shuttle (the mediator moves between the rooms and the clients are not face to face) because the people are protected from direct contact with each other and this also means that they don’t have the chance to “read the room” like they would if they were face to face.

I am privileged that I get to help my clients through this process and I love when I am able to help people orientate on the future and help them build and be empowered by understanding that even if agreement can not be reached, they have been able to spend the time building their best alternative to a negotiated agreement. 

This means that they can focus on what they can change moving forward and what they can control.

They get in control and are able to move forward regardless of whether the other person is looking back or looking forward.