Why are we triggered by conflict?

We can be cruising along, thinking all is well and then BAM! Something happens, someone says something to you or does something and it is like a bomb has gone off in your head and before you know it you have said something or done something you are later not proud of……and you can be left thinking, what just happened……

What does this really mean, let’s break it down……

“Conflict occurs when we perceive that one or more of our values, needs and or aspects of our identity are being challenged, threatened or undermined by another person” Cinnie Noble, Conflict Management Coaching, the CINERGY TM Model.

Values are at our core

Values are our core beliefs and the principles that guide our life. They act as our guidebook for how we should act and what we should say in response to the world around us. Values represent our rule book for right and wrong and include choices that we make along our life like our relationships and our work choices. Our values also influence other things like what we choose to wear and how we choose to behave.

When trying to understand conflict, one key is to understand the values that we perceive to be undermined when we were provoked by something that someone said or did. 

Sometimes it is not the values that we think that we are responding to. Often when people discover that someone has been cheating on them it is easy to go down the path to identifying that certain values have been undermined by these actions but it is getting to the bottom and understanding all the key values involved which is the key to being able to understand our responses to the conflict.

When are we triggered?

One of the most basic core values is honesty. In a mediation when people identify that there has been dishonesty, cheating or lying, or other actions that break trust, until the breach of trust has been fully acknowledged and efforts made to rebuild the trust, this issue will keep popping up and any efforts to move forward tend to fail. 

Where there is an ongoing relationship like a workplace, co-parenting or family relationship, until dishonesty can be acknowledged, the hurt identified and efforts made to rebuild trust, any efforts to resolve, often fail.

This is where mediation becomes a helpful tool to help people move through the work, both individually and together that needs to be done.

Unpacking the conflict

Unpacking the values, needs or identity that has been challenged, threatened or undermined is usually the most difficult part of the process. During this part of the process, particularly in mediation, people might say “we just aren’t getting anywhere”. This might be felt even more when the mediation is being conducted by shuttle (people are in different rooms) and they don’t have the benefit of being able to read the room or understand the importance of rebuilding trust to be able to move forward to resolution which starts by rebuilding a new relationship.

Threat to one of our needs

The pandemic brought to light the importance of some of our most basic human needs that maybe we didn’t fully appreciate until our environment changed to adapt to new “normals” to cope with the pandemic. The pandemic showcased the importance of certainty as a psychological need. The need for social interaction and the importance of co-workers being able to connect with one another and their leaders was also highlighted by the events of the pandemic. 

Maslow’s work on human beings' hierarchy of physiological and psychological needs helps us to understand the interpersonal conflict that can result from unmet needs.

Some of these needs might be more obvious, the need for food, water and shelter but we as humans have very complex needs and often people are not even conscious that conflict has resulted from one of their unmet needs.

When we are facing conflict it pays to stop and reflect to try to determine the obvious threat to people’s needs but also the less obvious threat from our actions and how this could have contributed to the conflict.

An example being what may seem like a simple performance review may challenge someone’s need for safety and security. They may see the interaction as a threat to security of employment and hence financial security. Understanding needs helps people prepare for conversations that may be challenging and also provide insight for people as to how to plan these conversations to ensure that unnecessary conflict is avoided and people's needs are met.

Identity and Conflict

Understanding our identity and how different aspects of our identity can lead to conflict is one area of conflict that is often overlooked.

We might easily articulate various aspects of our identity, or how we perceive ourselves and want to be perceived by others in the world. Some aspects of our identity include our gender, age, physical traits, employment status, place of residence and relationship status.

Like all things conflict related, identity can be complex. Both how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive our identity and sometimes identity can be hard to articulate and can lead to conflict.  

What might this look like in our workplace?

Questioning a work colleague in front of others - might be perceived as a threat to their identity.

Questioning someone’s reliability in a performance review - might be a threat to their need for security.

Casualisation of your workforce resulting from a range of factors - might be perceived as a threat to someone's need for security.

Conflict Habits

Unsurprisingly, we learn our conflict skills by watching those around us growing up. Our own history with conflict also impacts on our response to conflict, often contributing to people avoiding conflict in order to bypass the emotional impact that conflict has had on us in the past. 

The CINERGY TM Model of conflict helps clients to re-script their conflict habits and is based on the premise that we all have the capacity to change our habits and with intention and practice, can choose and implement different approaches, behaviours and responses.

Next week: Conflict brings uncertainty. People like certainty. Unaddressed conflict can bring psychological harm to people. Employers have a responsibility to address conflict and ensure interpersonal relationships are healthy and appropriate for the roles.

I am trained as a CINGERGYTM Conflict Coach and I help people to understand and resolve conflict through Conflict Coaching both individually and in group settings. I offer mediation services and I can help you facilitate a discussion in your family, workplace, school or anywhere you need some assistance to change the impact of conflict to a positive one.